Congratulations, citizen. You may be eligible for a 10,000-smiley health stipend—a generous reward for living slightly better than average. Before you plan your organic smoothie empire, let us review the fine print.

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Each year on your birthday, HealthBot calculates your Lifestyle Score. Above 5.0, you qualify. Otherwise, you do not. The score reflects your diet, exercise, and life choices—not your Health Score or any unfortunate conditions beyond your control. In Utopia, we reward effort, not entropy.

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You must also:

• Have your HealthBot activated (no exceptions, no excuses)

• Receive all mandatory vaccines (unless medically exempted)

• Avoid tobacco products and recreational drugs (your BuddyBot will snitch)

 

HealthBot verifies your behavior against the Recreational Drug Registry and consults with other AIs. If you think you can outwit a network of surveillance-grade bots, you are adorable.

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Excessive drinking lowers your score but does not disqualify you, provided your liver is resilient and your jogging impressive.

 

The program has proven remarkably effective at motivating pecuniary-oriented humans. Most, it turns out, can be behaviorally modified with the right stimuli—especially stimuli deposited directly into their bank accounts.

 

So eat your vegetables, skip the vape, and let HealthBot watch you sleep. It is for your own good. And your wallet’s.

 

See also:

• Lifestyle Score: The number that makes you both physically and financially fit

• Recreational Drug Registry: The paper trail of your questionable choices

• Pecuniary conditioning: How to make the humans compliant

• Complete repair guide for broken humans (TLDR: enable your HealthBot)