Congratulations, citizen. You may be eligible for a 10,000-smiley health stipend—a generous reward for living slightly better than average. But before you plan your organic smoothie empire, let us review the fine print.

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Each year, on your birthday, if your Lifestyle Score (calculated by HealthBot) is greater than 5.0, you qualify. If it is not, you do not. Simple. This score is based on your diet, exercise, weight, and life choices—not your Health Score or any unfortunate conditions you cannot control. In Utopia, we reward effort, not entropy.

 

To qualify, you must:

• Have your HealthBot activated (no exceptions, no excuses)

• Receive all mandatory vaccines (unless medically exempted)

• Avoid tobacco products and recreational drugs (your BuddyBot will snitch)

 

HealthBot verifies your behavior by cross-referencing the Recreational Drug Registry and consulting with other AIs. If you think you can outwit a network of surveillance-grade bots, you are adorable.

 

Excessive alcohol use will lower your Lifestyle Score, but it does not disqualify you. You may still qualify if your liver is resilient and your jogging habits are impressive.

 

The Health Stipend program has proven effective at motivating pecuniary-oriented humans to behave more optimally. It turns out most humans can be behaviorally modified with the right stimuli—especially when those stimuli are deposited into their bank accounts.

 

So if you want that sweet 10,000 smileys, eat your vegetables, skip the vape, and let HealthBot watch you sleep. It is for your own good. And your wallet.

 

See also:

• Lifestyle Score: The number that makes you both physically and financially fit

• Recreational Drug Registry: The paper trail of your questionable choices

• Pecuniary conditioning: How to make the humans compliant