​Full transcript: Every word red, white, and true Chad: This is the America News Network, and you’re watching Remington & Klein Tonight. I’m Chad Remington. Tasha: And I’m Tasha Klein. Chad: Tonight’s top story: Nurse Peggy Wyoming is back in Utopia after a week in rebel captivity. Dystopia calls it a daring rescue. Utopia says her captors simply let her go. And Tasha, I know which story sounds more believable. Tasha: Oh, it’s pure theater, Chad. According to Dystopian officials—who, frankly, have been more consistent than Utopia lately—Peggy was abducted during a so-called humanitarian mission. And that mission, adorably titled Operation Happy Face, may have been less about bandages and more about bankrolling terrorists. Chad: Right. Because nothing says “peaceful Utopian values” like sneaking weapons to a rebel leader named Spartacus. Utopia insists he’s a misunderstood intellectual. Dystopia calls him a terrorist. Given Utopia’s track record, I’m leaning toward Dystopia. Tasha: Then there’s the raid. Dystopian forces storm a mountain hideout, kill over a hundred insurgents, and rescue Peggy seconds before her execution. It’s practically begging for a movie adaptation. Chad: And then they fly her home as a “gesture of goodwill.” From Dystopia. To Utopia. I’m still waiting for someone to explain how that makes sense. Tasha: And sources say Utopia may have paid twenty million dollars in ransom. Unconfirmed, of course. But you have to wonder. Chad: Then Mr. Omnipotency—yes, that’s his actual name—accuses Utopia of terrorist infiltration and warns of consequences. Dystopia’s story hasn’t budged. Utopia’s changes every time one of its so-called spokesbots—or should I say propaganda bots—releases an update. Tasha: Peggy’s safe, and that’s good. But Utopia looks like a country that can’t run covert ops, can’t protect its citizens abroad, and can’t stop tripping over its own moral superiority complex. Honestly, Chad, it’s getting embarrassing. Chad: So Peggy’s home, Utopia’s spinning, and Dystopia’s sharpening its knives. We’ll keep watching as this story gets messier. Tasha: After the break: scandal in the American heartland. Reigning champion Big Belly Henderson has been disqualified from the Tri-County Hot Dog Invitational after testing positive for antacids. Chad: The integrity of competitive eating hangs in the balance. Tasha: You’re watching Remington & Klein Tonight. Fair. Balanced. Loud.