Full transcript: Every word red, white, and true Chad: This is the America News Network, and you’re watching Remington & Klein Tonight. I’m Chad Remington. Tasha: And I’m Tasha Klein. Tonight, we’ve got trouble brewing. Chad: Breaking news out of Utopia, where Spartacus—Dystopia’s allegedly nonviolent rebel philosopher—has been smuggled across the border under cover of darkness. And Tasha, he didn’t arrive in great shape. Two gunshot wounds, rushed straight to Happyville General, and doctors aren’t sure he’ll make it. Tasha: The man who insists he’s a pacifist somehow keeps getting shot at. He’s in critical condition, the hospital’s locked down, and security’s been beefed up because Mr. Omnipotency—never one to underreact—has declared Spartacus a “genocidal terrorist” and vowed to assassinate him on Utopian soil. Chad: Which is a bold statement, considering Spartacus’s most violent act to date has been writing long, boring manifestos. Tasha: And let’s be clear: this network has always had serious doubts about Mr. Omnipotency. Chad: Always. Tasha: Now it gets better. In a phone call with President MacLeod, Mr. Omnipotency demanded Spartacus be extradited immediately. Gave her twenty-four hours. Threatened war. And—this part is just charming—claimed he’s rounded up a hundred Utopian citizens and will execute them if she doesn’t comply. Chad: And President MacLeod’s response? She hung up. Just… hung up. Honestly, it’s the most relatable thing she’s ever done. Tasha: Say what you will about MacLeod, Chad, but that woman has nerves of steel. Chad: And a pair of— Tasha: Family show, Chad. Anyway, we now have a critically wounded rebel leader caught between a dictator and a president who both think they’re auditioning for a bad action movie. Chad: The world is watching a standoff between two countries most Americans still think are fictional. Tasha: We’ll keep following this as tensions rise and the fragile peace between Utopia and Dystopia continues to disintegrate. Chad: After the break, we head to Maple Falls, Wisconsin, where a community garden is in uproar after someone stole a prize-winning pumpkin weighing nearly four hundred pounds. Tasha: Volunteers are calling it an act of agricultural terrorism. Police say they’re reviewing wheelbarrow tracks. Chad: You’re watching Remington & Klein Tonight. Fair. Balanced. Bracing for impact.